In current months, freelance author Chanté Joseph observed a shocking pattern on her social media feeds: Ladies had stopped posting photos of their boyfriends.
For a very long time, boyfriend pics have been good social media fodder. Whether or not on trip or chilling at dwelling, these photographs despatched a message of heterosexual bliss, of contented couplehood. A world, as Joseph wrote, “the place ladies’s on-line identities centered across the lives of their companions, a state of affairs not often seen reversed.”
However then the boyfriends disappeared. You would possibly see a hand, or a shadow, or the again of a head. However the faces of those males have been cropped out or blurred out, “as in the event that they wish to erase the actual fact they exist with out really not posting them.”
Ladies have been dwelling their lives, and their guys not served their private manufacturers.
Joseph puzzled this out in an article for Vogue referred to as “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” The piece went viral, sparking a wave of TikTok discourse and prompting a follow-up story a few weeks later.
In the present day, Defined host Astead Herndon referred to as Joseph as much as discuss her piece, the response it acquired, and the state of heterosexual relationship now.
You wrote what I might suppose is likely one of the most memorable items of the yr, a chunk for Vogue that went viral in 2025, particularly a few query that you just put into the zeitgeist. Are you able to inform me in regards to the piece?
The piece was basically asking this query if having a boyfriend has misplaced the social standing it as soon as supplied ladies. And I used to be analyzing this by means of the lens of social media.
I used to be wanting on the method that ladies are very non-public about posting their romantic companions on-line. Lots of people have been sticking emojis over their boyfriend’s heads. We’ve all seen this and I feel it began to ramp up, after which it grew to become a bit of little bit of a parody the place individuals would simply edit out their boyfriend’s heads fully.
However then I observed that folks would put up their marriage ceremony movies or they might put up their engagement movies and photographs. They have been edited in a method that you just by no means knew what the husband seemed like. And I used to be like, “Okay, that is feeling a bit excessive.”
You’re noticing one thing that has actually change into clear on the timeline. I bear in mind boyfriend reveals or issues like that, nevertheless it’s gone to outright hiding. So what did your piece discover and what did you even imply by “embarrassing”?
So I discovered mainly three issues.
The primary was, individuals stated they didn’t wish to do that merely for privateness causes. And I questioned, “Nicely, why is it solely this space of your life?” After which they might go on to say, “Nicely, if I posted my boyfriend and he cheated on me subsequent week and I had to return and delete the images…I’d must cope with the disgrace of that.”
However then there have been ladies who simply outright thought the thought of getting a boyfriend was inherently embarrassing as a result of it didn’t align with the model. Lots of people felt like “if I put up my boyfriend on Instagram or on social media, I’m indicating one thing about me to the world that I don’t need individuals to know.”
Within the piece, one of many feedback that I quote is this concept of somebody saying, “Why does having a boyfriend really feel Republican?” I feel it’s the way in which that the heterosexual romantic relationship has virtually been co-opted a bit of bit by the best. It feels historically very conservative. I really feel like I’m aligning to this concept of the world that doesn’t actually really feel pure to me.
I used to be going to ask particularly about how we should always take into consideration this alongside rising developments like “tradwives” and others. Are these items which are taking place on the identical time? Are these simply totally different communities?
I feel they’re taking place on the identical time. I take into consideration the response to my piece — whether or not it’s from the boys who have been simply actually indignant that I may ever speak disparagingly about males or the ladies who have been very pleased with their relationships — feeling as if [it] was an assault on them.
I feel the way in which we discuss relationships on-line has modified a lot. I used to be speaking in regards to the ReesaTeesa “Who the fuck did I marry?” [series] or the “Danish Deception,” these ladies coming on-line making these 60-part TikTok movies, detailing the entire horrible issues which have occurred to them.
West Elm Caleb. I keep in mind that one.
All of these items. So there is no such thing as a phantasm across the fantasy anymore. And so I feel that has gripped lots of people.
You probably did a call-out in your Instagram, and the responses from followers stated that there was “an awesome sense…that whatever the relationship, being with a person was virtually a responsible factor to do.” So are we speaking right here nearly, like, disgrace of heterosexuality partnerships? It looks as if straightness is on the core of this.
Oh yeah, 100%. And I feel that is what actually upset individuals as effectively. We don’t discuss heterosexuality on this method. We very a lot see it as a norm. That is simply the way in which to be in society. And so we should always by no means actually query what’s occurring right here.
However really, I used to be like, no, it’s deeper than that. So one of many inspirations behind this piece was a e-book by professor Jane Ward. Her e-book known as The Tragedy of Heterosexuality, and within the e-book, she has a chapter that’s devoted to the issues that queer individuals say behind their straight buddies’ backs.
And it was completely fascinating to get into the notion of straightness, straight individuals, and straight tradition. And I feel the thought of embarrassment undoubtedly got here from studying that and actually realizing the ways in which, yeah, straight tradition may be very embarrassing.
What do you suppose we’ve realized about straight relationships from this episode?
I feel what I’ve realized is that persons are nonetheless attempting to say the privilege that being in a relationship, significantly a straight relationship, provides them. And I feel for some individuals, their anger to this piece was about them realizing that they may lose this privilege, and they may not have many different privileges. And so shedding this appears like an enormous deal.
Do you are feeling such as you’ve come by means of this considering boyfriends are kind of embarrassing?
Are you aware what? I feel I’ve come away considering that they’re extra embarrassing. I can’t lie as a result of the boys are being embarrassing, and the ladies with boyfriends upset about this piece are much more embarrassing. So I’m like, rattling, I might need to double down.
